I have so much to write; I don’t know where to begin. I’ll just begin with today’s Sunday convictions.
Today my eyes were reopened to a lot of fear and pride that I have. I knew this before yet it has been a while since I was able to remember and think and repent about it. Sunday service today was just about being in the hand of God. It was a very simple sermon over the beginning of 1 Samuel 23. It talked about how even though Saul was actively seeking to destroy David, David was not given into Saul’s hand but rather God was holding onto him and protecting him. (V. 14). At the very end, the pastor connected it to John 10:28, “I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.”
Okay, backtrack. Sophomore year was a lot of things, but I can say with confidence that it was perhaps the most blessing year so far. Although it was difficult, those difficulties REALLY opened my heart so that I could receive more of God. (I’ll expound on this later.) But the last few weeks of the semester, a lot of things were resolved. There was so much peace in my heart, and there was so much confidence that God is mighty, is wonderful, is ever-working, is timely, etc. I don’t believe I have ever trusted more that God is with me. But after all of this was resolved and my heart was at peace, (of course) I began to grow distant from God… prideful… thinking that I could do it all on my own…forgetting the nights and early mornings I cried out to God on my knees in utter desperation. Going into summer, I have been the same way. My heart is so stale so far; there is so much blockage between me and my heavenly Father.
In result, I have been failing in a lot of my outward commitments. I really struggle to pray. I get so distracted during QT, or only give half of my heart. During services my mind is all over the place. ETC. Of course, this is discouraging for a lot of reasons. But one reason why it is especially discouraging is because when I feel like I am failing, I realize I cannot receive any of God’s grace and love. You would think it would be the opposite - when you fail you receive God’s heart and forgiveness to get back up again. But for some reason seeing my failures made me want to turn away from God completely.
I (re)realized a lot of why this is at service today. The pastor was talking about how (thank goodness) our usefulness for God’s kingdom and our worth never had anything to do with our own capabilities, but rather has everything to do with the fact that God is holding onto us. We are so prone to let go of him every day. Yet he holds onto us. This is our hope.
But my natural self goes completely against this. I realized again today that the basis of all that I am is thinking that I can earn love. I build myself up and sharpen my skills and character and reputation so that I can be more loved, more valued and accepted by others. But I do this same thing to God. I think that my closeness with him equates how much I can seek him. To some extent, this could be true, BUT the basis of this thinking is wrong. I am relying completely on who I am or what I do instead of realizing that the only reason why I can know or love God is because he first died for me and gave me the grace to accept his sacrifice and forgiveness.
Ugh. *hitting myself on the head, hitting myself on the head, hitting myself on the head*
Why do I ever think that I can deserve his love? When I feel like I am failing I don’t go into “failure mode;” I don’t become down on myself and sad and I don’t beg for mercy from God. Instead, I kind of say, “Hold on a minute, God. I know I’m not at my best right now but just wait–I’ll prove to you that I’m still worth something.” When I think about that heart that I have, thinking about the fact that I think that I can ever measure up to “proving to God” that I’m worth something compared to the infinite, all-loving and all-giving GOD who created everything that ever existed, who is only faithful out of his inability to deny his own infallible character…. I mean, what an insult to him!
Today I was reminded that the only reason why I can call myself a believer, who has been adopted into God’s family and who can do any service to God at ALL is because he has shown me grace, both once and for all and also every freaking day. I fail him all the time. I can never deserve his love and faithfulness, yet to him that’s completely okay. He is holding onto me, forever and ever. I need to pray that I would trust in his love.
Going back to my fear and my pride - I have so much fear because I guess I fear all the time that I would receive less of God’s love if I am less; and I have a lot of pride because I think that I can ever measure up to deserving what he gives me.
That’s been my struggle this past season of life. But this root has kind of flowed into other things. Because I’ve been struggling spiritually, I have been praying less. And this has been making me more uneasy about my future in general.
I was talking to a friend, elaborating on my current heart struggles and such, and she said that she thinks maybe during this time God is trying to grow my trust in him. She said that maybe God is trying to show me that even when I am not completely on top of my game, when my life gets sloppy, when I am not always “feeling” his love or presence every day, God is STILL there, and is STILL loving me. Maybe I just need to go back to the root of his promises to me and grow my faith in those things. It’s funny because I thought this whole year was me learning how to wait for him and trust in him. I thought I learned… yet here I am again….
Someone once said that they think in life you learn the same couple of lessons, but you learn them over and over and over again. And each time, it goes deeper. Maybe that’s what’s happening.
One of the biggest things I learned this sophomore year is how responsive God is. This whole year I struggled basically with a friend who randomly began to ignore me. And it wasn’t subtle; I mean she was one of my closest college friends and then suddenly she began to resent me, for no reason she could understand. I never struggled with that rejection before, and me being somebody who relies and lives for my close people, it was like a huge chunk of my life suddenly disappeared. What made it the worst was that there was no explanation, no reasoning. Even when we would talk about it she would say that she herself did not know why she was so bitter at me. I spent the first part of the year in confusion, hurt, bitterness, feeling betrayed and alone and confused, while simultaneously (of course) trying to “work my way back” to being in a good place in her life. I spent hours thinking about anything I might’ve done to offend her, tried relentlessly to pursue a friendship with her even though it hurt me to do so, etc. Nothing worked. My position in her eyes did not change. No matter how I put the situation, the underlying happening of it did not change: someone who knew me so well and used to love who I am suddenly decided to ignore, despise, and resent me. And for once it was not because she misunderstands who I am. No, she was a very close friend who knew me and decided not to be my friend. Ouch.
And then one day someone spoke wisdom into my life. “Do you love your close ones because you want to receive love from them back, or do you give love to them because it’s an overflow of God’s love for you?” Literally daggers to the heart. At the same time, “Do you really trust that God is sovereign in your life, that he really sees your pain and really is in control? Do you have enough faith to really pray and trust that it’s going to be in God’s hands?” I also felt God tugging at my heart: “Child of little faith, why do you doubt me? Get on your knees. Respond to this in prayer, and let me show you what I can do.”
I spent a chunk of this year waking up every day with a dark cloud over my chest, questioning my worth and wondering what God could possibly be doing with this situation. But I spent the year fallen on my knees, crying to God and seeking his voice in his Word, mostly because I did not know where else to turn. It was mostly so hard for me because the easy route would to completely block her out of my life. But something throughout this year (probably God) kept telling me to give, and serve, and pursue her because she needs to experience God’s persistent love. For some reason the fact that even she admitted to no rational explanation for her bitterness towards me made me think that it wasn’t any wrongdoing I did, but rather that she was overall struggling in her heart and perhaps she just needed more of Jesus.
I felt God somehow in my heart telling me that eventually, it would all be okay. He has never failed to carry me through the darkest moments of my life, and I still had a thread of faith that he would not fail now. :) Someone challenged me saying that loving somebody in the face of complete rejection–NOT apathy, but literal rejection–is like literally loving Jesus. We are so used to loving people who naturally give us what our hearts want. But when there is literally no reason to continue to be kind to a person and to continue to pursue a person when they give you everything you hate (….lol…), then you see your motives and why you love. For me, I was really challenged to love and give BECAUSE of 1 John 4:19-21. “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” I decided to love my friend even when she treated me badly, because every day I reject God at some point yet he still shows me love. He still pursues me. If I can receive that grace from God, then how could I not show it to somebody else? lasjdflasjdf. I prayed daily for my friend and that I would have the heart to show her love even when my heart was so bitter, and so tired. I prayed that SOMEHOW, God would show her more of him–through myself, or, if it was somehow his plan to not have us be friends anymore, then through anybody else.
One day, mid spring, she randomly asked to talk. She looked me in the face and apologized. And she elaborated. And we talked. And cried. Etc. A week later she sent me a long email that elaborated more. She apologized again, then explained again, then expounded on how thankful she is because through me, she saw God’s consistent love.
When I read that line I started bawling. For many reasons. 1. It amazed me to see firsthand God’s work through a selfish and broken person like myself. Maybe my post made me sound awesome or like I fought really hard or like I didn’t do anything wrong but the reality is, I sinned so much in my heart, struggling with bitterness, anger, pride in thinking I deserved more, the desire to somehow hurt her back, etc. It amazed me to see how God could still somehow take my (frkn) imperfect struggles and broken attempts to do anything good and use it to communicate any kind of love to her. LIKE WHAT!??!?!?! And 2. I bawled because my biggest prayer throughout second semester was that she would somehow experience God’s consistent, pursuing love. And she straight up said to me that that’s exactly what she experienced through me. I bawled because there was so much recognition that God actually hears me, and actually works through prayer. After reading this email, the next like week I don’t think I ever had more faith that God was so mighty and really personal and could really do anything in life if I only got on my knees to pray.
But that’s exactly what I’m struggling to remember again, right now… that prayer works.
Something else super unexpected happened this year… I got to really know someone, someone I still would not mind having around in the long run. But to both of us God straight up said that neither of us are at all in a position to add this kind of relationship onto our messy lives just yet. So for now it was let go. Although a part of this was good and all, the struggle was fighting my heart to not continue it when I knew it was right there if I just reached. At the same time, the mistake of talking too much and getting too close bit me in the butt when we decided to do our best to listen to what God was very clearly saying to both of us. It was a similar feeling–loneliness–as the entire year struggle with my friend. But it wasn’t all bad–we had learned a lot together, had encouraged a lot together, etc. But just, timing. I’ll elaborate on this one day if it’s still relevant. If not, then no need to. :)
Anyways, I think through all of that–both situations–God was trying to teach me, not just to know it with my head, but to really teach me through experiencing it in my heart, that a relationship with him will be the most consistent, satisfying relationship I will ever have in all of my life. Like nothing else will ever compare–not anything with my closest friends, with my family, with my future dude. My entire life has been spent relying on my close people to give me happiness and love, when really, as long as I’m depending on my relationships with other people, I will always come back to a place where I will be dissatisfied/disappointed/hurt, because people are human. But as long as I am focused on my relationship with my God, receiving from him and seeking him above other people, no matter how things suck with anybody else, I will have legit all that I need. I think that’s something he’s really wanted me to learn this year, and even though sometimes it felt like he was literally dragging me on my face trying to teach me that, he has really proven a faithful and loving and consistent God, even to a super self-centered, inconsistent person like me. That’s what he taught me last semester, and again, RIGHT NOW, I’m struggling to remember.
Life is a constant relearning.
Before sophomore year, I had so many expectations for how the year would go. I thought I had it all down. Freshman year was awesome and I thought that was all there was to college. If I had to describe sophomore year in 1 way, I’d say it was testing…. in every realm–In relationships: was I going to love those that were unjust towards me? Was I going to continue to love because Jesus loves me and because I love Jesus? Or would I choose myself? Was I going to continue to fight to love and give and serve other general people even if I was already established wherever I was in my social sphere? Now that there are morphing friend groups, would I continue to similarly love and serve those that were outside of my my own? In academics: even though I (think) found my specific future career path (and I now realize my undergrad major has little to do with it), would I still be faithful because God has called me to be an example of his hardworking character everywhere I go? Or would I let myself slack? Would I be okay if I didn’t get an A, knowing that my worth ought to be placed in other things? Knowing that God saw my heart more than my grades? Or would I continue to take pride in my studies and grades because it could make me seem like a better person? In church life: even if my small group didn’t feed my heart as naturally and specifically as my freshman year and summer small groups did, would I still love and give and pursue them!??!?!?!!! Or would I slack? Would I continue to give my time and heart and continue to do outward acts of service even if it was harder for me to see the fruit? As I became more involved this year, too, would I be able to keep up the right heart behind it all? Or would I fall into repetition and do the things “just to do the things”?
Looking forward into summer and junior year, I now have no idea what to expect. Part of me is completely surrendered (lol) because never in a million years would I have expected sophomore year to go the way that it did. That part of me is saying, “LOL….God does weird things… after this year, I have zero expectations because there’s no way I can imagine what it’ll be like.” The other part of me is a tad bit afraid of what’s to come… but that’s only because my prayer life is so lacking these days. At the end of the day, all I can always say is that life is so weird, so funny. And through everything, at the end of every season of life I am always left in amazement that despite what it seems, God is in charge of everything. Christian life is so counterintuitive–we are called to most value the intangible while being physical beings; we are called to trust in a somebody who is in charge of our physical world even though we have never seen him nor touched him; we are called to trust that nothing of our own efforts earns us anything because somebody did it all a couple thousand years ago; we are called to give up our own desires even though we are 24/7 surrounded by a world whose logic says to live a life that makes ourselves the most happy. It’s all so weird and funny but incredible that this reality of life in Christ always comes down to the most unexpected truth. God is everything that we need. God is in control of everything. God loves us.